Cool Time Waster: Superuseless Superpowers
We’ve all wanted superpowers at some point or another. Imagine how effortless life would be if we could just teleport everywhere, or how many locker rooms we could sneak into if invisibility was at our beck and call.
While Marvel and DC have focused on sensational powers like the ones above all these years, Superuseless Superpowers has concentrated on the opposite extreme. These are abilities no person would ever want, like turning into a brick wall forever or being resistant to helium.
The Vulture presents three superpowers we’d never want:
Rusty Retracting Bone Claws  Every time James draws his claws, he needs a tetanus shot.
Super-slow speed  This isn’t really a superpower thing as much as it is an obesity thing.
Reverse-Hulk  Born with a bodybuilder physique, Bruce Boner transforms into a lanky hemophiliac.
Mark Gormley Should Win A Grammy
If Mark Gormley doesn’t win a Grammy for “Without You,” we will boycott the awards show forever. This video’s got everything: a great guitar riff, a model with JCPenney-catalog-caliber looks, and awesome green screen effects. But it’s Mike Gormley’s creepy-neighbor good looks and burning blank stares that really make this video worth watching. January ‘09 has its defining song.
Videogum has collected a few more of Mike Gormley’s amazing music videos.
Japanese Live-Action Super Mario Bros. Trumps ‘93 Movie
When the Japanese set out to recreate the magic of Super Mario Bros., they not only nail it, they add to it  with puppets and Barack Obama. When America tries, well, we all saw the debacle that was the Bob Hoskins-starring version. Sure, it looks like Bowser has tapeworm in this video, but we’ll take this gangly Bowser over that Dennis Hopper disaster any day.
Learn Ninji and Judi From The Kung Fu Redneck
If you’ve always wanted to learn martial arts, but have always been put off by the high cost of classes, you’ll be thrilled to know that The Kung Fu Redneck uploads free training videos on YouTube. Not only does he teach you the basic Judi chop and Ninji chop, he also gives you great advice like,”Don’t go ninjin’ someone who don’t need ninjin’.” Sound advice, master. Plus, how can you possibly go wrong with a fat assistant dressed in a Wonder Woman costume.
Vladimir Putin better watch his back.
Cleverer Than We’ll Ever Be: Surfing On A Rocky
We’ve all misheard lyrics before, often to hilarious results. For example, who didn’t think Freddy Mercury was saying, “The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeeeeee….” instead of, “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me…” the first twenty or so listens through the song?
So what happens when someone hears “Rocky” instead of “Rocket” while listening to Air? This.
"The Oldest News Team On Television" Is A News Team We Can Trust
Finally, a news program has come along that’s actually worth watching. Old People News (OPN), not to be confused with CBS’s old people news, reports on topics that actually affect us all. Don’t look for murder and robbery coverage here, just news you can use. This week they tackle forwarded emails. For example, did you know that the National Do Not Call list is about to expire? Neither did we. If it weren’t for Charlie and Dolly, our precious phone numbers would have ended up in the hands of evil telemarketers who would then call us incessantly. Thanks OPN!
Watching this telecast reminded us that television signals are about to be switched from analog to digital. So if you know an old person who still watches TV with an antenna, show them this video to help them through the conversion.
So without further ado, here’s OPN.
Old People NewsAtom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | TV & Movie Spoofs
Drunk Jeff Goldblum
Jeff Goldblum is one of our favorite actors. He’s one of those guys we think we could be good friends with if we ever got the chance to meet him. He’s a great asset in any situation. For example, if we wanted to pick up a bottle of wine, Goldblum would probably have some really good suggestions for us. Or if we had nothing to do, we could probably just sit at a bar and chew the fat for a few hours. And another great thing about Goldblum is if you take a clip of him talking, say from an old Apple commercial, and slow it down just a little bit, he sounds absolutely plastered. Like maybe he’s had too much of that wine he recommended.
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