Before you pay for that tie this Father’s Day, answer this question: Can Dad pee in it?

If he can’t, you’re wasting your mulah. Listen, Dad’s not getting any younger, and the older he gets, the more he’ll have to pee every five seconds and the more he’ll appreciate the mind-blowingly dull sport of golf. Show Dad how much you love him by getting him a gift that says, “I understand the changes you’re going through and they’re nothing to be ashamed of.” Get him a golf club he can pee into.

Clearly, the UroClub’s best feature is the little green towel that covers your junk. With that handy rectangular piece of cotton fabric, you go from “degenerate urinating in golf course” to “classy golfer checking out his clubs while standing strangely still.”

Order your UroClub today!

If you’re still not sold on the UroClub (or doubt that it’s real), watch this.

Did you know that we’ve been wiping our own asses for OVER 100 YEARS! That’s insane, right? You’d think we’d have invented some better way of cleaning our poopers by now. (And if you’re thinking bidet, you’re stupid. No one wants to squirt freezing-cold water up their butts.)

Luckily, the deft (and trustworthy) people at Telebrands have struck gold yet again with the Comfort Wipe. Basically, it’s an 18″ plastic butt-wiping stick.

And can you believe they’re ONLY $19.99 (plus $7.99 shipping)!

Are you a neurotic pet owner? Do you think neutering dogs is degrading? You wouldn’t want to walk around without your testicles, so why should your dog (or cat, or bull, or horse, or monkey, or rat)? Well, thanks to Neuticles, they don’t have to.

Neuticles are prosthetic testicles that are implanted during the neutering procedure. According to the website, “Neuticles allows your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.” Right on!

If you’ve got questions, like, “My vet said Neuticles are not ethical. Is that true?” and, “Can Neuticles be implanted in people?” there’s a great FAQ on the site.

Here’s an interview with Neuticles founder, Gregg A. Miller.

Gregg A. Miller, you’re creeping us out with those eyes, man!

And just when you thought that the Neuticles fun was over, they go and make necklaces and earrings with the fake balls. (You gotta scroll down in the merch page to see the goods.)

Gregg A. Miller is also the proud author of Going…Going…Nuts!