Here are the lyrics.

He goes by the name Dr. Breeze, and it’s easy to see why. Just listen to “Because of the Brave” and tell us you don’t feel like you’re driving a Mustang convertible down an empty winding road. To say that Dr. Breeze is smooth is a sheer understatement. Relaxing and patriotic, this song is perfect for a 4th of July cookout. Keep it on repeat all day, you’re not going to get tired of it. And thanks to the blue screen expertise of Phil Thomas Katt, the video is a doozy.

As great as Dr. Breeze is, we would also like to acknowledge his backup singers, particularly the enthusiastic young man in the black t-shirt. Your intensity and energetic hand gestures ring every bit as loud as the freedom you proudly sing of. Great job!

You know what, that’s just too nerdy, even for us. If we were in charge of adding words to the dictionary, we definitely would’ve gone with Bro Mitzvah.

What’s a Bro Mitzvah, you say? It’s the black Bar Mitzvah, DUH!

You want our advice? Get rid of the ridiculous hat, plush bow tie, belly shirt and diaper, and go buy yourself a suit. It doesn’t matter how old you are, Baby Huey, but if you sound like a man, then you are a man, so dress the part. And get a haircut while you’re at it, your current one looks stupid.

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If you look at the Sam’s Club page, it’s really bizarre how they describe him like they would a product, giving you a brief description followed by bulleted advantages.

The best part, though, is the shipping description. Reading it, you would have no idea they’re talking about a live human.

This product ships to all 50 states. Estimated delivery time is 4 weeks if shipping to an Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico or APO/FPO address via standard delivery. Tracking information for USPS shipments is unavailable.

They really make it sound like if you ordered a Ryan Cabrera personal concert, he’d come in a box (probably with ventilation holes and some dry ice to keep him from overheating).

If you’re thinking about buying the Ryan Cabrera personal concert, keep in mind, 1) Your daughter doesn’t like him anymore, and 2) This is what you’re getting for your $24,500:

2009 is shaping up as the year of the comeback with LFO announcing theirs just last week. Now Aqua is getting in on the action and they’ve even released a new song, “Back to the 80’s.” It’s a magnificently deep song that spans three decades (written in the ’00s, sounds like the ’90s, talks about the ’80s).

Have a listen, won’t you?

Either Harry Shearer underwent a gross mutation since we last saw him, or somebody went a little Photoshop happy. (The mutation is definitely more likely.)

If you haven’t heard, the Spinal Tap boys are touring the nation performing songs from Spinal Tap, A Mighty Wind, and Waiting for Guffman. They’re calling the tour Unwigged & Unplugged on account of their performing songs as themselves and not their on-screen characters. Here’s a clip:

There was one kid—he was new—who decided to be trendy and give it a go. One look at his freshly-painted backpack, and it was obvious that this new guy just did not get it. The dude decided to let the whole school know that his favorite band was none other than Diana Ross and the Supremes.

Needless to say, everyone tormented this kid. Even yours truly took a break from sitting quietly and keeping to himself and got in on the action.

We share this story with you, not because we’re proud of bullying a clueless newbie, but because after watching this video, those all-too-familiar feelings of wanting to make a middle-schooler cry have come back.

Honestly, if you watch this video and you don’t clench your fist, you’re lying to yourself.

We’re on our way right now to shove these kids into lockers and take their lunch money.